* Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth* You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear* Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather* Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease* Nuttin' beats mutton* Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel* Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort yourcoke, and then tell you they have to be home early* Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down* Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then getpissed off when you tell them* No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find awilling ewe* Sheep are never concerened about their reputation* Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time youcouldn't get it up* Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't getit up for the second time* Sheep never insist on eating out* You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture ofMel Gibson* Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late* Sheep don't smell like tuna fish* Sheep don't get moody once a month* You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in yourteeth* A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest ofher life after one roll in the hay* A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed* A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon* A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car* A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles herto rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains* A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...andpay* A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in yourpickup* A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy* A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in therefrigerator* A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheckon new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to beworn in the bedroom* A sheep will never sue you for palimony* A sheep won't care if you screw her sister* A sheep won't care if your secretary is better lookingthan she is* A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to bepainted while you're screwing* A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or yourpocketknife to open a paint can* Sheep never have a headache* A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill* A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over thebathroom* A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home fromwork and pick up a box of tampons* Sheep grow their own fur coats* A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living roomcouch when you're having friends over to watch football* Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend* A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in themorning* Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex* A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up* A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator* A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do itdoggy style* A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom* Sheep are "ram tough"* A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: senddaisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottleswith your teeth* Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on* Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning* Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck* A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did hernails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids,you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it,she's not drunk enough to enjoy it* A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
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Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?Someone put his battery in backward,and he kept coming and coming and coming...
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More Stuff from the Aeronautics Archives:
The following popular saying was recently seen on a plaque: "If Assholes Could Fly, This Place Would Be An AIRPORT!"This particular plaque was seen hanging in a pilots' lounge.
"Flying is the SECOND Greatest Thrill Known to Man.LANDING is the FIRST."
The Pilot's Rules of Flying:1. Signal all turns2. No peeling ouut on runways3. Number of landings should equal number of takfs4. No aerobatics over tall buildings5. Joke with the tower for the best arrival gate
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Still more from the archives:"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho Marx"Talk is Cheap... Until You Hire A Lawyer."BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore."Seen on a t-shirt: "PLEASE, LORD... let me prove to you thatwinning the lottery won't spoil me."And finally: "Being POLITICALLY CORRECT means always having to sayyou're sorry."
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Accidental Accident ReportsWhat a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms wherecar drivers tried to summarize accident details in as fewwords as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serveto confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collidedwith a tree I don't have.2. The other car collided with mine without giving warningof its intent.3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephonepole.5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my wayhome. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep atthe wheel and had an accident.7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble whenmy universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the othervehicle.9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenlyappeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before,making me unable to avoid the accident.10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removingmy hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to theother side of the road when I struck him.12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as hebounced off the hood of my car.13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy ina small car with a big mouth.14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and waslater found in a ditch by some stray cows.15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was upwhen I put my head through it.17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, Istruck the pedestrian.18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a numberof times before I hit him.19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ranover him.20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car andvanished.21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife'sface.22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at mymother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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